Greenwood's POWER RANKING™ of Cheese
Gouda, Havarti, Toe, it's all cheese.
To my beautiful wife, whom I love so dearly, and to all those like her who cannot enjoy one of God’s best blessings to man, I am sorry.
If you haven’t picked up on it yet through the first several issues of Greenwood’s POWER RANKING™, I eat a lot. It’s safe to assume that the food I have eaten the most of in my lifetime is cheese. It comes in so many forms. Solids, liquids, powders, blocks, wheels, slices, sticks, it’s almost ALL good. Let’s POWER RANK™ some of these tasty treats.
Gorgonzola - Listen, I love cheese, and I understand that cheese is just milk that’s gone bad, but the correct way, but DO NOT give me cheese with VEINS OF MOLD running through it like copper ore in the earth. Disgusting. It only cracks the list because of the name, to be honest.
Brie - Again, this cheese just DOES NOT DO IT FOR ME. Also, when I was searching about how Brie was made, one page described it as having a “bloomy rind” AGAIN NO THANK YOU TO THAT. Maybe I don’t love cheese. It’s low-key gross in every way other than taste.
Saying “Cheese” when taking a photo - Who likes having their picture taken, honestly? If I’m saying cheese during a photo, something has gone wrong and my day has truly gotten away from me somehow. You know, they say that having your picture taken captures a part of you soul. Maybe my lactose intolerant friends out there had the wrong part of their soul captured by a picture and that’s why they can’t enjoy delicious cheesy treats. Hmmm.
Swiss - It feels in some ways like a poster boy for cheeses. When a kid draws a slice of cheese, they draw swiss. It’s got a good flavor, melts decently, and for the most part, enhances sandwiches (probably not a PB&J). Solid cheese, deserves the #7 spot.
The weird cheese stick that comes in the two pack with the off brand beef jerky in the vending machine - When you’re in such a pinch that you’re buying MEAT AND CHEESE FROM A NON-REFRIGERATED VENDING MACHINE, you are in a bad spot. What you need when you are in that bad spot is for your warm vending machine cheese to hit the spot. Most of the time, it does.
Babybel - A fantastic snack time cheese. It’s good in all the ways that #6 is bad. Tasty, ACTUALLY COLD, just a little salty, and they are tiny so you can eat twelve and they feel like they don’t count. Just gotta watch out about the wax. It really detracts from the cheese experience if you eat the wax.
Oxaca - Mexican melting cheese, and it is TASTY. One time I accidentally (definitely on purpose) bought like 4lbs of Oxaca. It melts so wonderfully. Mix in some Chorizo and Asadero and you have a delicious little appetizer. The only downside is availability.
Provolone - My personal favorite sandwich cheese. It’s got just the right balance of sharpness and stank. Not too sharp, but not sweet at all. It melts on my subway sandwiches just right, MAN WHAT A GOOD CHEESE. I also love that I can buy it at almost any grocery store.
Nacho Cheese - If it weren’t for this golden delicious elixir, I would have abandoned my love for Taco Bell long ago. Listen, some kinds of Nacho Cheese need some help, but when it’s right, it’s RIGHT. Good gracious I love the little cups of this stuff. Almost everything is enhanced by being dunked in a little cup of this hot, prepackaged, chemical sauce. WHAT ARE NACHO FRIES WITHOUT THE CHEESE?
Mozzarella - It’s the GOAT of cheeses. Not Goat cheese, obviously, Mozzarella is from a cow. It is the best cheese because it SHOWS UP. Pizza? It’s there. String Cheese for snack time? It’s there. In chunks in your salad (gross)? It’s there. We all know it, we all love it.
I know, “Alex, Cheddar didn’t even make the list?” Nope. In every category it competes in, it’s beaten by something else. It’s a solid cheese, don’t get me wrong, but leave it out of this list. Same with Parmesan. If it’s in a plastic bottle shaker thing, it’s not good cheese. It’s sawdust. Grind some real Parmigiano-Reggiano and we can talk.
This week’s list idea comes from the one and only JOSH PUMPHREY. Thanks for the ranking idea buddy.
LOVE YA
TEX TAX - LOOK AT LITTLE PUPPY TEX
Where my muenster heads at?