Greenwood's POWER RANKINGS™ of Ridiculous Sports Teams
Naming things is hard, and we can tell based on these sports teams.
Dallas has the Cowboys, Chicago has the White Sox, Jacksonville has the Jaguars (for some reason?). It doesn’t take long to find some sports teams that have seemingly odd names. Like seriously, why on earth is Jacksonville represented by a JAGUAR? Maybe there’s a reason, I’m too lazy to google it, but on the surface it makes no sense.
What if I told you that retirement land for old rich people being represented by a highly tuned jungle killing machine wasn’t even close to the most wild sport team? What if I told you that I have almost spent hundreds of dollars on hats and jerseys because of how crazy minor league baseball can get? Lets get to POWER RANKING™.
San Antonio Missions - Okay, you might be saying, “Alex, the San Antonio Missions isn’t that wild” and I would agree with you, but retort with two facts. One, it’s all the way down here at number ten. Two, THEY ARE ALSO CALLED THE FLYING CHANCLAS DE SAN ANTONIO. A mascot of a flip flop being thrown is PURE GOLD.
Brevard County Manatees - This one makes at least a little more sense from the choice of mascot. Manatees are in Florida sometimes. I just get slayed by the fact that you might be playing against a SEA COW. Like how not intimidating is playing against the MANATEES? Some dude has to dress up as a freaking fat sea creature to hype up a crowd for baseball.
Hartford Yard Goats - So I read up on the Yard Goats, and there is apparently some connection to trains? I guess a Yard Goat is slang for an engine that moves cars and switches things in the rail yard. I MUCH prefer my head canon that Hartford just has an overwhelming representation of trashy house with goats in the front yard. Like that’s what their town is known for. The logo is FIRE.
Lehigh Valley Ironpigs - Ironpigs is a weird mascot to begin with, but what really makes this team so unique to me is how hard they lean into the whole bacon aspect of pigs. They have uniforms that say “Bacon U.S.A.” on the front of them. Look at this DOPE hat. It’s just incredible branding.
Greenville Swamp Rabbits - An ice hockey team. Named the SWAMP RABBITS. It’s twice as ridiculous as the Florida Panthers. Again, there is some sort of actual, makes real sense as to why they rebranded to the swamp rabbits, but MOST PEOPLE DON’T HAVE THAT CONTEXT, so you just assume that a swamp rabbit makes a good hockey creature?
Colombia College Fighting Koalas - It’s an NAIA college in South Carolina. Why WOULDN’T they be represented by a small marsupial from Australia? Why stop at fighting koalas? Wombats aren’t scary enough? Don’t represent South Carolina QUITE like a FREAKING KOALA would? This one kinda makes me tired, to be honest.
Quad City River Bandits - I’ll be honest on this one, I just think this little bandana wearing racoon is too cute. He’s clearly up to some mischief, both by look and by name. It’s another team that I want a hat just because of how wild the logo is.
Savannah Ghost Pirates - Another APTLY named hockey team. How can you not root for a team named the GHOST PIRATES? LOOK AT THIS JERSEY. Teams don’t lean into the SPOOKY factor enough. You know what would make me a little nervous if I was playing hockey? Playing against PIRATES THAT HAVE DIED, BUT HAVE NOT LEFT THIS MORTAL PLANE BECAUSE OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS. Presumably, hockey related business since that is how they are choosing to spend their time.
Montgomery Biscuits - This one makes the list mostly because I love biscuits, and would even bear the pain of watching baseball if it meant delicious buttery treats. If their home games don’t serve biscuits and gravy, then they need a new marketing team STAT.
Rocket City Trash Pandas - I’ll leave you with this image, and that should explain all you need to know.
Okay friends. It’s about time. In the next few weeks we are going to revisit the crowd favorite POWER RANKING™ of “Bad Pictures of Good People”. I need your help though, send me all the bad pictures of good people. I need more ammunition. SEND ME THE PICS PEOPLE.
LOVE YA
TEX TAX
Sometimes you get so tired that you have to rest your face on someones foot.